Saturday, June 13, 2015

Jurassic World recap

So the new Jurassic World film is SOOOOO predictable. 

Remember that park where a T-Rex om-nom-nommed on a bunch of innocent people?   Well, its finally open to the public!   And they put Fonzi’s Daughter in charge!

Oooo, she’s so uptight, she has to schedule things like love and laughter.  

Yes, she’s such a cold, calculated business person, she doesn’t even know how to relate to anyone…especially not kids!   Uh oh!  Her nephews (Lenny and Squiggy) come to visit. 

She promises not to let them get eaten.  That’s her assistant’s job!  Besides, she is much too busy trying to figure out why her freak-abomination-slap-in-god’s-face-holy-crap-it’s-alive-kill-it-kill-it dinosaur hybrid is so unhappy. 

So she calls in the dino whisperer, played by none other than “Guardian of the Parks and Rec” himself, Ralph Mouth.  

Guess what?   He’s the exact opposite of her, and they used to date!  LOLZ!  Oh, he is rude and dirty and wears wrinkled clothes and is just as sassy as you please.

At least he understands that these “attractions” are complicated beings, not dollar signs.  So she shows him the dinosaur, and it is just about the meanest thing you ever did see.  Oh and it’s a girl. 

This meany-pants actually ATE her sibling.   In fact, she’s a killing machine, and she has to eat everything she sees and eat it really fast (kinda like my brother at Golden Corral 15 minutes before they close).   And she also uses the lord’s name in vain and I swear she’s selling weed to the middle schoolers.  I think she was named Chompers 2000 or something, and she's also like super smart.

Ralph Mouth is obviously upset.   He says, “OMG!  What did you breed this dinosaur with?”

“DNA from a t-rex, Janice Dickenson, some rusty bear traps, and a bulldozer.”

“WHAT???   That’s not a dinosaur, that’s the mystery ingredients on a bad episode of “Chopped.”  What kinda crazy cuckoobrains are running your lab???"

We're gonna do it!
That’s when they notice that Chompers 2000 is missing!   Remember me saying she was super smart?  Well, she tricked them into thinking she found a way out of her enclosure!  Tee hee!  

Ralph Mouth tries to figure out how she got out.   And then, Chompers pops out and tries to om-nom-nom him!  Luckily, the gates close REALLY slow (for safety reasons, I’m sure) so Ralph got out.   BUT so did Chompers!  WOMP!  WOOOOOMP!

So now Chompers is running wild, eating people like Skittles and they close down the park (NO REFUNDS!).   Well, this is not how I expected to spend a weekend on an isolated island with viscious, hungry, savage beasts.  Wait until I write my review on Trip Advisor! They lose track of Chompers 2000 after she claws out her LoJack.   But they find Lenny and Squiggy.

Ralph Mouth tries to get his raptor friends to attack Chompers.  But when they meet up, they totally hit it off!   Then they start gossiping about Ralph.  

Lenny and Squiggy eventually find Fonzi’s Daughter and Ralph Mouth, and then it’s a showdown.   And Fonzi’s Daughter pulls out the big guns.

Remember when the T-Rex was chomping everyone and everything in it’s path like Chompers 2000 is doing?  Well, he conveniently doesn’t do that anymore.   He only fights other dinosaurs.   He puts a world of hurt on Chompers, and Chompers is killed by the Guppysarus.  The theme park is left in shambles and then to beat it all, Chachi accidently burns down Arnold’s Drive-In.

Fonzi’s Daughter is now dirty, smelly, and her hair is all messed up (kinda like Ralph Mouth!).   She’s been taught that the bottom line isn’t the most important thing, and she’s proud that Lenny and Squiggy got a tour of the island and not a tour of Chompers colon.  The end.

I actually like Bryce Dallas Howard.  She's totally cute and likable, but the script was so obvious, it grated on my nerves.  And why didn't they let Chris Pratt be funnier?   That's what he does best!   To be honest, I just wanted to see dinosaurs fight.   At least we got a little of that.    

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