JUDGEMENT DAY...And I'm Judge, Jury, and Executioner.

When I heard that they were making another Terminator film, (as a nerd) I could already feel my midichlorians tingle. Rise of the Machines was a bit of a let down. Salvation was crap. So Genisys was our only hope. Well, I just saw it. AND.....

Oh, where do I start? While there were a few interesting twists, overall the writing was lame. The acting was boring. None of the off-hand jokes landed. Sarah Connor is now apparently a 12 year-old girl. And we have a Terminator that looks like Chandler Bing from “Friends.”

We all know the story. Skynet decides to blow up the world after it unexpectedly becomes self-aware.

But in this film, the timeline has changed. And Sarah, Reese, and “Old Man T-800” try to destroy Skynet before it becomes the next crazy popular download called GENISYS. Because when the entire world downloads it to their smart phones and junk, it’s planning on playing Angry Birds using nukes instead of cockatoos. And even though this deranged OS system is gonna try to eradicate the human race, you gotta admit that it’s still WAAAAAY better than Windows Vista.

Who still says "bucko" anymore?

So here’s the really stupid part. It has a countdown to the download…and essentially the end of humanity. I guess that’s supposed to add tension, but it doesn’t. Because in this timeline, Skynet is already self-aware. It knows all about John Conner and that humans are a threat and I’m sure it thinks it’s fat even though it’s totally not. So it realizes that Sarah and Reese are trying to destroy it and what does it do? Does it go ahead and launch missiles 7 minutes early to ensure its inevitable take-over of the world? Nope. IT JUST CONTINUES TO COUNT DOWN AND WATCHES THEM TRY TO BLOW IT UP. And spoiler...they blow it up. For an advanced artificial intelligence, it’s pretty stupid. And that was one of the many things that irritated me about the film. 



Don’t get me wrong, the old Terminator films had plenty of stupid things going on in them. Think about it…an advanced artificial intelligence decides to create realistic cyborgs to blend in with humans in a post-apocalyptic world, and this is what it comes up with?



SERIOUSLY, WHO IS WORKING OUT AT A GYM AND TAKING STEROIDS IN A CRUMBLING WORLD RULED BY KILLER ROBOTS???



And so this super smart computer managed to create a cybernetic organism with living tissue over a hyper-alloy endoskeleton, but for some reason it talks like a 1950’s robot doing a really bad Elmer Fudd impression? REALLY?



And the T-800 was supposed to be this ultimate infiltration weapon, but how could that be when they made like a billion of them? They were cranking them out like a Playdoh Fun Factory.



Wouldn’t people just say, “oh, that’s the terminator right there. Yeah, that guy that looks like he works out and eats food. Oh, and there’s another one over there cuz they all look alike. They’re like the Kardashians but with more personality.” 

And remember that hydraulic crushy machine that Sarah used to kill the first Terminator? Why would a computer factory even have one of those? What purpose would that serve?



And let’s not forget when the T-800 realizes that what it’s like to be human.



Yeah, that was stupid, but I forgave it. Why? Because the characters actually HAD character, and you could connect with them. John was full of pre-teen angst, Sarah was fragile and suffering from PTSD (was she nuts or wasn't she?), the T-800 was cool and sometimes unintentionally funny, and the T-1000 was psychotic, cold, and calculating. The action was tense. The was a depth to everyone's interactions.  They used a cool GnR song.  And the story was imaginative, unlike anything I had ever seen at the time. Just the thought of Skynet was terrifying because it started out innocent, and developed on into this monster. Now we give Skynet a face with Dr. Who and Chandler Bing (BOTH characters and performances which are completely forgettable), and it suddenly doesn't seem so scary. It was what you’d expect from a movie made by a bunch suits who don’t have a passion for story-telling or innovation. It’s just a copy of a copy of a copy. I wish they had pooed duh plug on this one.

And a little side note: Can all you programmers out there please just put a subroutine in whatever you are developing that says, DON’T KILL HUMANITY! Please! If I get killed by a Zune, I’d be totally embarrassed.

Jurassic World recap

So the new Jurassic World film is SOOOOO predictable. 

Remember that park where a T-Rex om-nom-nommed on a bunch of innocent people?   Well, its finally open to the public!   And they put Fonzi’s Daughter in charge!

Oooo, she’s so uptight, she has to schedule things like love and laughter.  

Yes, she’s such a cold, calculated business person, she doesn’t even know how to relate to anyone…especially not kids!   Uh oh!  Her nephews (Lenny and Squiggy) come to visit. 

She promises not to let them get eaten.  That’s her assistant’s job!  Besides, she is much too busy trying to figure out why her freak-abomination-slap-in-god’s-face-holy-crap-it’s-alive-kill-it-kill-it dinosaur hybrid is so unhappy. 

So she calls in the dino whisperer, played by none other than “Guardian of the Parks and Rec” himself, Ralph Mouth.  

Guess what?   He’s the exact opposite of her, and they used to date!  LOLZ!  Oh, he is rude and dirty and wears wrinkled clothes and is just as sassy as you please.

At least he understands that these “attractions” are complicated beings, not dollar signs.  So she shows him the dinosaur, and it is just about the meanest thing you ever did see.  Oh and it’s a girl. 

This meany-pants actually ATE her sibling.   In fact, she’s a killing machine, and she has to eat everything she sees and eat it really fast (kinda like my brother at Golden Corral 15 minutes before they close).   And she also uses the lord’s name in vain and I swear she’s selling weed to the middle schoolers.  I think she was named Chompers 2000 or something, and she's also like super smart.

Ralph Mouth is obviously upset.   He says, “OMG!  What did you breed this dinosaur with?”

“DNA from a t-rex, Janice Dickenson, some rusty bear traps, and a bulldozer.”

“WHAT???   That’s not a dinosaur, that’s the mystery ingredients on a bad episode of “Chopped.”  What kinda crazy cuckoobrains are running your lab???"

We're gonna do it!

That’s when they notice that Chompers 2000 is missing!   Remember me saying she was super smart?  Well, she tricked them into thinking she found a way out of her enclosure!  Tee hee!  

Ralph Mouth tries to figure out how she got out.   And then, Chompers pops out and tries to om-nom-nom him!  Luckily, the gates close REALLY slow (for safety reasons, I’m sure) so Ralph got out.   BUT so did Chompers!  WOMP!  WOOOOOMP!

So now Chompers is running wild, eating people like Skittles and they close down the park (NO REFUNDS!).   Well, this is not how I expected to spend a weekend on an isolated island with viscious, hungry, savage beasts.  Wait until I write my review on Trip Advisor! They lose track of Chompers 2000 after she claws out her LoJack.   But they find Lenny and Squiggy.

Ralph Mouth tries to get his raptor friends to attack Chompers.  But when they meet up, they totally hit it off!   Then they start gossiping about Ralph.  

Lenny and Squiggy eventually find Fonzi’s Daughter and Ralph Mouth, and then it’s a showdown.   And Fonzi’s Daughter pulls out the big guns.

Remember when the T-Rex was chomping everyone and everything in it’s path like Chompers 2000 is doing?  Well, he conveniently doesn’t do that anymore.   He only fights other dinosaurs.   He puts a world of hurt on Chompers, and Chompers is killed by the Guppysarus.  The theme park is left in shambles and then to beat it all, Chachi accidently burns down Arnold’s Drive-In.

Fonzi’s Daughter is now dirty, smelly, and her hair is all messed up (kinda like Ralph Mouth!).   She’s been taught that the bottom line isn’t the most important thing, and she’s proud that Lenny and Squiggy got a tour of the island and not a tour of Chompers colon.  The end.

I actually like Bryce Dallas Howard.  She's totally cute and likable, but the script was so obvious, it grated on my nerves.  And why didn't they let Chris Pratt be funnier?   That's what he does best!   To be honest, I just wanted to see dinosaurs fight.   At least we got a little of that.